Courage to Stand

Having a conversation with a friend who has a fundamentally different view from mine when it comes to relationships & monogamy. At its core, our different perspectives sprout from our different spiritual beliefs.

Are we meant to surrender to our flesh, or is it possible to rise above it?

Years ago, it was relatively “easy” to be a Christian. Even if you lived contrary to what you said you believed, it was normal to speak as a believer. Years ago, you had a crowd of others who stood with you. Years ago, the popular opinion was that which – in theory – aligned with the word of God.

Today it’s different, though. Today we live in a world of “relative truth” and it’s unpopular, inhumane even, to proclaim belief in one way and one truth. Today I’m often challenged in my beliefs and left feeling alone.

And this is when my Peace covers me. This is when I lean on what I know to be true. This is when I take comfort in the remnant (Isaiah 11:5; Romans 1:9).

Years ago it was so easy to stand. What say ye today?

Disconnected

“No, I’m not going on a mission trip”

You’d be amazed at how many times I’ve had to utter some variation of that phrase in the past couple of months.

I’m currently sitting in the Istanbul Airport Prime Class Lounge (thanks to my brother-in-law who totally came through in the clutch after I forgot my Priority Pass lounge membership card at home). I’m curled up on the couch in my new travel shawl with a book by my side, cappuccino and cheesecake on the table, and a lot on my mind.

The latter is quite usual for me. I’m usually thinking about way too much for me to keep track of. Sometimes I suppress the important thoughts until they happen to fight their way through what I’ve deemed as “higher priority” thoughts and bubble back up again.

And when everything bubbles back up, but I don’t have the hustle and bustle of my normal activities to keep me occupied, I become overwhelmed with emotion – and I don’t mind it at all. In fact, I know it’s exactly what I need. It’s exactly what I intended for the 22 hours of flying and 9 hours of layover on my way to vacation in Malaysia this Christmas.

I’ll be the first to admit that I stay way too busy, I say ‘YES’ too much, I chase challenges things, and I attract the hurting; but I wouldn’t have it any other way. This is how God made me. I’m well aware of the toll that it can have, which is also why I choose to get away when I need it.

Yes, I AM a missionary and I live my life on a mission everywhere that I go. But no, I’m not going on a mission trip this time. At least not the kind that you’re used to seeing me on. When I interact with the people here and catch the eyes of an adorable child, I am reminded of the children that I met while serving in Greece; but this time, I don’t have to rush to save them. This time I’m on a mission to put myself first for a little bit and tend to my needs. I’m on a mission to disconnect so that I can reconnect. The trip has just begun, and already it’s been so good for me.

When was the last time that you chose to be disconnected?

It’s Going To Sting A Little

… That’s what He told me before asking if I was ready.

I think that He’s asked me that before: “Are you ready?” and I’m sure that I either said no or ignored Him altogether – because, well … I wasn’t. The walls, the false sense of protection, had become comfortable to me. They’d become my home. I’ve lived with them for almost 25 years.

I didn’t really know that I had them. I couldn’t tell you the exact day that I began building them, but I know that I was a little girl when I decided that I needed to protect myself. I was a little girl when I vowed that I wouldn’t allow anyone close enough to hurt me. I was young, much too young, but I made the promise all the same. I promised to shield myself from any form of pain, and I believed that I had to be the one to do it because no one else would.

So, for decades I didn’t feel pain. I’m not saying that nothing bad ever happened to me or that everything went the way I wanted it to. I’m saying that I didn’t FEEL the pain.

As a Christian, I even prided myself on my ability to easily forgive. I didn’t hold grudges. I let it roll off my shoulders when someone didn’t treat me with respect. I had the whole “dust off your shoulders” move down to a T. Sticks and stones, right?

That was how I lived my life, and it seemed to be working great for me. Except … I found that I was needing to forgive others way more often than I’d liked. I was attracting people in my life who would end up hurting me. What was going on? Why do I end up in the same situation? What am I doing wrong?

“Are You Ready?” – He would ask me again.

“Not yet, Lord” was my response. “Let me just patch up this wall. That last hit almost knocked it all the way down, but I’m stronger than that. I’m still stronger. I’ll just move on. I can handle it. ”

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Imagine having an invisible shield around you that kept you from feeling pain, yet couldn’t stop the effects that the painful experience caused to your body. That’s what was going on in my heart.

It was like I kept touching a hot stove or removing pans straight out of the oven barehanded. After years of blocking the sensation of pain, I could no longer feel the burn when it happened; my arms and my hands, however,  were still being damaged. I could see scars and blisters appear, I would notice flesh being exposed, but I didn’t know exactly what was causing that to happen. Since I couldn’t identify the circumstances that caused the burning and bruising, I continued to put myself in harms way.

It wasn’t that I wanted to get hurt. I was protecting myself against the wrong thing. The same walls that prevented me from feeling the pain, prevented Christ from healing it.

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“Are you ready, yet?”

“I think so”, I responded and slowly started letting my guard down.

That’s when He started speaking …

When you’re ready to finally feel your pain, go ahead and do it, it’s safe out here. Let me warn you, it’s going to sting a little. You’re going to feel it all at once. But fear not, because I AM here.

You will feel the times you experienced rejection. You will feel the times you experienced betrayal. You will feel the moments that you thought you were unloved, unworthy, alone, and unprotected. You’ll feel it all. It WILL hurt. I AM here, still. 

I want to heal you, but I can’t heal what you refuse to feel.

I need you to acknowledge the pain. I need you to be fully aware of what I am healing, the lies that I am replacing, and the fear that I am casting out. So go ahead, sweetie. Let me heal you. Once I do, you will experience a new freedom. 

Let those walls down. It’s ok. Trust me.

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So I did it. I asked the Lord to reveal situations and experiences where I felt that I needed to protect myself. I asked Him to bring me back to those moments so that I could acknowledge the hurt that actually happened.

He was right. It hurt and I couldn’t stop crying.

But just as suddenly as I began feeling the pain, I started feeling the Father’s love in a way that I hadn’t felt before. I felt healing taking place. The tears of pain turned into tears of gratitude and admiration for my Abba. As the walls of protection were being broken down, the love of God began to flood in. He now had access to parts of my heart that I once kept Him out of. He wasn’t satisfied with just pieces – He wanted the whole thing.

Everything He said was true. That truth brought me to a new level of freedom. It allowed me to move past surface level forgiveness that I’d been accustomed to granting. It established a deeper level of intimacy with Him.

I felt the pain for a moment, but the subsequent healing is eternal.

And it’s the best feeling that I’ve ever had.

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I no longer need to guard myself. God’s peace will handle that for me – just like He promised.

“Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:7

To be broken

But I didn’t choose this.

When I said ‘yes’ to Christ, I wasn’t saying yes to being broken. “Of course not” He said, “brokenness is not a choice, it’s a chance; and it happens because I love you”

Brokenness is not a choice, it’s a chance …

That’s when I decided to listen; so of course, that’s when He decided to speak.

Brokenness happens for everyone

and it looks different for everyone. For some, brokenness is a result of a failed relationship; yet others face it when their life of lies finally catches up to them. No matter how it looks, it happens once we finally realize that our own efforts and devices will only let us down; they won’t deliver that which we truly seek. Brokenness happens when we’ve run out of options and are faced with the decision that we all have to make at some point: Life or Death?

The truth is, we are broken to the point of no return — totaled. We can’t be fixed. And this is where the rubber meets the road. The choice to be made is not whether or not to be broken, it’s whether or not to surrender. 

An unsurrendered heart still operates in its flesh – broken flesh. An unsurrendered heart believes that its brokenness can be fixed — so, she tries to fix it. She uses her own logic, her hands, and methods of the world. She may consult God and His word, but only for quick comfort, never for true conviction.

She doesn’t recognize that she is beyond repair.  She is completely broken, but she’s searching for a band-aid large enough to put things back together. She still wants control, but freedom and control can not coexist.

Freedom and Control Can Not Coexist!

Then there are those who are sweetly broken and wholly surrendered. This person knows that she can’t be fixed and has stopped looking for a mechanism to do so. A surrendered heart realizes that the only solution is to be made over, to be made new.

Oh, to be fully surrendered!

To understand that there is NOTHING of the past worth salvaging or holding onto. The surrendered heart is ready for her future. She has seen and sat in her brokenness long enough. She knows that her old life was made of cheap materials — a life painted with glossy coating, but no real ability to withstand the hits and blows that life brings.

This is why she was broken to begin with; to go back to a cheap version of herself, even if it is a quicker fix, would inevitably lead to being broken all over again. But to surrender and be made new, there is nothing sweeter in this world. Even if the unknown looks scary right now, the promise of eternity is too good to pass up.

The unsurrendered heart is still looking for glue, but the surrendered heart is ready for new!

We will all be faced with the reality of our own brokenness at some point. What’s your solution? I pray you choose surrender. I pray you choose new.

“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, [she] is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” – 2 Corinthians 5:17

No Safety Net Allowed

This evening I met with my women’s small group in Gainesville, GA. I love these women — a group of 30 somethings who are all trying navigate this life as best as we can, all the while realizing that we can do nothing in our own strength. It’s great to have people who can relate to where I am in life. And even if they can’t relate, they can support, comfort, and encourage me.

We sat around a handmade, rustic coffee table in the living room of my apartment and talked about dreams. We wrote down the thoughts that keep us up at night and the ideas that we can’t stop talking about. We listed activities that bring us life and daydreamed about what we’d do if money was not an issue. We all have dreams, but we aren’t all pursuing them.

What are you chasing after when you aren’t chasing your dreams?

I don’t know the answer to that question. Maybe I’m not chasing anything, maybe I’m just standing still. I asked the Lord how can I achieve the dreams that I have — dreams that I know were given to me by Him — He gave me 10 words in 4 sentences.

Jump More.

Take Risks.

Don’t Worry.

You’re Safe With Me.

I don’t need a master plan to pursue a dream. All I have to do is make up my mind that I am going to do something – and then do it. Faith in what is already proven is no faith at all. That’s like not being afraid to jump because you see the safety net below. I’m safe with my Father, and my faith is in Him. So, whenever I’m ready to make a leap, there are no safety nets allowed.

In Over My Head

It happens gradually and suddenly at the same time. 

One day my toes are barely touching the water, and -seemingly- the next day I’m at the point of no return. Usually having a negative connotation, you don’t get in over your head without consistently making decisions that — slowly, but surely — lead you deeper and deeper in a specific direction. 

The implications of said actions, often realized all at once, are unrecognizable – until, suddenly …

Suddenly you can’t seem to put into words how you got to this point. The same is true when desiring to get in over your head in God’s love, grace, and majesty. It happens by choosing to surrender to Him daily.  Slowly but surely, little by little, leaving behind your lifestyle of sin, desire for control, and tendency to fear. 

That’s how it happens.

You choose life. You choose love. You choose Jesus. Every day and in every circumstance, you choose to take a step forward. You may not realize the fullness of power that you’re receiving, you won’t always feel like you’re in the right place, and you may even get knocked down a time or two (or ten). Even still – you choose to consistently make decisions that will take you closer and closer into His love. You do this, and suddenly, you’ll wake up and realize that you are definitely in over your head. It will be terrifying and freeing all at once, and no matter what happens next, you know that you’re in too deep to turn around. 

This is exactly where He wants you, and exactly where you want to be.

Drowning in the midst of His gloriously breathtaking majesty, yet resting securely in the palm of His protective hand; I’m in over my head. 

Then You crash over me
And I’ve lost control but I’m free
I’m going under I’m in over my head
And You crash over me I’m where You want me to be
I’m going under I’m in over my head
Whether I sink whether I swim
It makes no difference
When I’m beautifully in over my head
© 2014 Bethel Music Publishing

on redemption

How often do we write off people who have sinned?

How often do we write off ourselves when we’ve made a mistake (or the same mistake for the 5th time)? 

When we see a blatant act of sin by someone else, do we tend to assume their path of redemption stops there?

As I reflect on these questions posed in a She Reads Truth bible study, I’ve landed on what I believe the answer to be.

Your path of redemption doesn’t end at the place where sin makes an appearance. Your path of redemption doesn’t end where others give up on you, or where you give up on yourself.  The path continues-and so does your story. You don’t even have to pick up where you left off.

The beautiful thing about redemption is that you get a whole new story.

The ONE Thing Everyone Should Know

You are loved.

You are seen.

You are special.

These are some of the phrases that I love sharing with people, because it’s important that everyone knows this. Regardless of how seemingly put together or how drastically cruel a person is, they need to know (and hear) these truths about themselves.

Last night I sat around a campfire with 5 young women. As we prepare to launch them to Uganda, Thailand, and India on a 6 month Kingdom Journey, I listened as they shared pieces of their stories, ultimately leading to how they came to know the Lord and what brought them to this point.

It was beautiful. 

I love hearing the stories of individuals. the diversity. the similarities. the turning points. the key people involved. I love hearing it all! It helps me to see and understand more deeply who this unique creation is, allowing me to love them as Jesus does.

One of the recurring themes that I hear in stories – especially the stories of people who come through Adventures – is that there was someone who saw them. Someone who steered them back on track when they were making decisions that would lead them down a rocky path. Someone who told them that they were special.

If you knew me growing up, it’s likely you’d think that I didn’t really need to be told that I was special.To be completely honest, I probably did a great job at letting you know how little I needed from you, from anyone for that matter.

I was the captain of my cheer leading team in middle school and captain of the high school dance team. I was on homecoming court, prom court, and – for the Louisianians who can appreciate this – Mardi Gras court. I made straight A’s all throughout grade school, graduated #1 in my class, and received a full paid college scholarship. I became a member of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc and I was, for all intents and purposes, a teacher’s pet. I never got in trouble, always did as I was told, and excelled at just about everything I touched. I got offered a full-time job making almost $60k a year when I was still a Junior in college.

I didn’t need to be told that I was special; however, I wasn’t aware of how much I desired to know it. I let my work speak for me and my “success” told me everything that I thought I needed to know.

Of all the things that my accomplishments said, they could never tell me that I was loved and that I was seen. They never mentioned that I could spend forever adding objects to my trophy case, yet still live a meaningless and unfulfilled life. They could never bring me happiness and pure joy. My achievements could say a lot about me, but they could never tell me that I was special.

Listening to the stories of those 5 amazing young women and reflecting on my life, I wish that I knew then what I know now. (Don’t we all, though). I wish I knew that I was special, even if I failed at everything that I attempted to do. I wish I knew that I was loved, even if no one ever voted for me. I wish I knew that I was seen, even if my lifelong crush didn’t know that I existed.

It doesn’t matter who you are or what you’re doing in life, God wants us all to know His love for us. We desperately need to hear that we are seen, desired, longed for, and worthy of the pursuit of a King in Heaven. Now that I know, I take every opportunity I get to share it with others.

When I share, I don’t merely tell them that I love them, or that I see them, or that they could be anything that they set their mind to. Because it doesn’t really matter what I think or say. Instead, I love them and see them and pursue them and know them.

I am simply a messenger. The message that I have to share is the love of Christ, and the fact remains:

YOU ARE LOVED!

YOU ARE SEEN!

YOU ARE SPECIAL!

If you’ve never had anyone tell you that – just that – no qualifiers, stipulations, or contingencies; if you’ve never had anyone let you know that you are loved simply because … then allow me to be the person to tell you. Because some day the popularity and accolades won’t be as satisfying; some day you’ll grow weary of being reminded of the ways you’ve failed; some day you’ll wonder if any one cares about you at all; when that day comes, I want you to know that you are still special.

If you have been told and have fully grasped this wonderful truth, please don’t let it stop there. Don’t assume that others also know this just because they appear to be doing well. Similarly, don’t withhold it from someone because you believe their actions aren’t worthy of the privilege of knowing. I challenge you to live your life in a way that constantly lets those around you in on the (too well kept) secret that they are loved, they are seen, and they are special.

Dear Hurting

You wonder how I know your name – oh, it’s written all over you. You’ve been hurt, and no matter how you try to mask your wounds, you are hurting.

I see you. I completely understand why you would resent “Christians” and maybe even God himself.

Who could blame you? You didn’t deserve what happened to you, and you don’t deserve what’s happening now.

Years come and go. It’s been a while since you first experienced hurt for yourself. But you’ll never forget the horrid sensation, and you’ll never let it happen again.

What’s worse, is that the people who are supposed to be the good ones do nothing but judge you. They judge you because all they see are your actions – actions that speak clearly of the pain you’ve endured. Pain that now lives behind doors of arrogance, independence, and numbness to anything representative of that “god person” who people rant and rave about.

This probably doesn’t mean much coming from me, a stranger who rants about God on the daily; but, the people whom you knew and trusted were a misrepresentation of Christ, to say the least. Jesus’ sole purpose and desire for you is that you would know His love. A true love. A love that doesn’t inflict pain. A love that only brings joy. A love that lasts forever.

Deep down inside, you knew that there was something wrong with the kind of love that you were shown. 

I’m here to tell you: you were right. 

That isn’t what love looks like. It isn’t what Christianity looks like. And it definitely isn’t what Christ looks like.

Dear Hurting, I want you to know that your deep-seeded wounds are not too deep.

You’re not a lost cause. Initial attempts at healing will probably feel uncomfortable, uncovering bumps and bruises that you thought were gone – but they were merely bandaged up, never properly dealt with.

The pain you’ll feel in revisiting the moments that caused your scars is only temporary.  It’s like rubbing alcohol on a cut – it burns like crazy at first, but the sting is well worth the long term benefits of protection from bacteria, infection, amputation, and even death.

Allow the Holy Spirit to be your rubbing alcohol. 

… your deep-seeded wounds are not too deep.

Dear Hurting, I apologize.

I apologize for ignoring you, for judging you, for hurting you. 

You probably never expected to hear that – especially from me, the one who caused you the most pain. I apologize on behalf of all Christians who stopped short of showing you the powerful and unrelenting love of the Father, and chose, rather, to leave you to do life alone after simply diagnosing your “issues”.

It hurts. It hurts like crazy, huh? To be rejected, lost, confused, abused, abandoned, afraid, and in the midst of all that, alone. 

I don’t make any excuses for why we lack compassion or how we can live a life completely opposite of what our Bible teaches us. I can’t make any excuses because I have absolutely no idea, but it hurts me almost as much as it hurts you – and it hurts the Father even more.

Finally, Hurting, I can not heal you. 

No one person can. And anyone who claims to be able to do so is lying. Don’t trust them. They’ll only leave you in more pain. 

Anyone who doesn’t, through truth and love, point you to the One, the only One, who can heal you is not to be trusted. They are like wolves in sheep’s clothes – our common enemy’s weapon of choice.  The only one who can heal you, redeem you, change your heart, forgive your sin, and make your future more abundant than you could have imagined is Jesus – a love greater than any love you’ll ever know.

 The only one who can heal you, redeem you, change your heart, forgive your sin, and make your future more abundant than you could have imagined is Jesus…. 

Dear Hurting, will you let LOVE heal you?

Yes, ALL Lives Matter … What Are YOU Doing to Perpetuate That Truth?

I’ve been home from The World Race for almost a year now. 

And I came home to participate in a program that would train and disciple me in professionalism and leadership. The purpose – to make me a successful and competent leader & light in America.

After 6 months, I chose to not go back to working in Corporate America. I also chose to not go back to the mission field overseas. Although both of those options would have been a great way for me to show off what I learned about bringing a Kingdom lifestyle to your work and community, rather than living it solely in the church. But that wasn’t what God had in store for me.

Instead, I accepted an offer to stay with Adventures in Missions, a christian community and non-profit organization, to do the same thing that was done for me. I chose to lead, love, raise up, equip, and disciple others to be competent and successful leaders and lights in America.

I serve as the director of two programs at Adventures that are specifically for people who have completed an 11 month, World Race, international missions experience and are ready to move into a greater commitment for Christ. Through these two programs, The Fellowship & Kingdom Journeys, I facilitate the development of missionaries who are ready to make this kingdom living a lifestyle wherever they go – everywhere they go.

Because the lives of the people who they work, play, and interact with on a daily basis matter. 

They matter whether they are fatherless children at an orphanage; hurting women who have been sold into a life of slavery and prostitution; homeless men forced to beg, fight, and steal for their daily bread; young teenage boys walking home in a hoodie; members of an African-American church attending a weekly bible study; or a 21 year old white male tormented by demons of violence and hatred towards others.

While I have been impacted and torn up inside due to the recent tragedies involving racial relations in America, I haven’t spoken out about it publicly. What does one say that hasn’t already been said? What does one do when every incident seems to cripple us a little bit more than the last? How can one even afford to give an opinion at all when they aren’t willing to take action themselves?

It’s sickening and hurtful beyond measure! As a black woman in America, I’ve had to ask myself – “What am I doing to fight against the injustices? Not only the injustice towards members of my racial background, but injustices towards humans overall?”

It’s sickening to me that once again, “we have to peer into the abyss of the depraved violence that we do to each other and the nexus of a gaping racial wound that will not heal, yet we pretend doesn’t exist …”

This statement, this incident, this video is only one of MANY reasons why I fight for the raising up, equipping, and discipleship of AMERICAN MISSIONARIES.

You’ve seen my pictures, my blogs, and my social media posts about the loving way that I served with a team of missionaries around the world – an experience that changed the trajectory of my life forever – and I’ve received tremendous support, interest, & encouragement for it. But now I’m home.

Just because The World Race is over, doesn’t mean the fighting stops.

I was recently reminded that The World Race was a finite, 11 month, one-time mission trip; but now the Lord has called me to a different type of mission and a greater commitment – something that is neither as finite nor as “missions sexy” as The World Race. This is a commitment to the young men & women who live and work in America, to lead and change America, through living for and loving like Christ.

The man who committed the hateful act at Emanuel AME Church in Charleston, SC could have been, and still can be, rescued from a life of hatred & sin through the love of Jesus and sharing of the Gospel by those at his job and in his community.

YOU can do something. You can help someone. You can fight and pray. You can obey the tug on your heart to be a part of something greater than yourself.

Our responsibility is to respond with love and prayer and fighting with spiritual weapons.

I have made a commitment to live a life that develops high caliber young men and women. Men and women who I am certain will produce fruit in changing the lives of others in their jobs and communities. This is how I fight for the lives of those who don’t know Christ.

How Will You Fight?

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 If you would like to fight with me for the lives of others, I would greatly appreciate your support through prayers and financial giving. 

Please email me at kristinasmith@adventures.org if you would like to become a prayer partner and receive monthly updates on our celebrations and challenges. 

Please also click my support link – www.adventures.org/dynapay – to become a monthly supporter of my commitment with Adventures in Missions. 

The lives of our disciples matter. I fight to help produce world changers. Will you fight with me?